Dear Readers, I do hope that the following article helps and uplifts you.
7 Simple Steps to Forgive Others & Yourself
By Connie Bennett, C.H.H.C.
No matter what your goals — whether you yearn to feel free, become empowered, lose
weight, be more loving or break a sugar habit, you may not be able to move forward or succeed until you forgive your loved ones, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, yourself or even strangers who harmed and wronged you, whether deliberately or unintentionally.
When you feel forgiveness in your heart, it’s much easier to be happy, productive, accomplish your goals and be at peace with yourself.
During the Jewish New Year—a 10-day period for self-examination, atonement and forgiveness—I realized that I hadn’t fully let go of the hurt, pain and sadness that someone special had caused me. Once it dawned on me that I hadn’t yet completely released my anger, disappointment and regret, I initially berated
myself, but then I immediately created a plan to graciously pardon his affronts with dignity.
All of us—of every religion or belief—should be contrite and confront our sorrowful, hostile and critical feelings and thoughts head-on and then make amends. Not facing up to our emotions could lead us to overeat, gain weight, turn to sugar or alcohol, work too hard or develop other unhealthy habits. Denying our
feelings also could cause us to withhold warmth, tenderness and love from our friends and family members. Then, we just won’t fully enjoy our lives.
Many of us don’t realize that by forgiving other people and ourselves, we’re really being compassionate and considerate of ourselves. But if we hang onto our bitterness and harbor grudges and don’t find it in our hearts to be forgiving and merciful, we’re cheating and betraying ourselves. Sure, it may feel right to hold resentment, ill will and hard feelings in our hearts, but we’re really committing a sin against ourselves.
So kindly absolving and pardoning another is really less about other people and more about being true, kind and respectful of yourself. Likewise, humbly and remorsefully atoning for your sins and transgressions against another is a way to give yourself the esteem and value you deserve.
Not forgiving someone else and not repenting for the wrongs you’ve committed can:
- Rob you of your power.
- Strip you of your dignity.
- Keep you trapped in anger, indignation and resentment.
- Make you feel helpless, stuck and frustrated.
- Harm you physically or emotionally.
- Turn you into a killjoy, who’s unpleasant to be around.
- Keep you from moving forward to enjoy relationships or revel in your accomplishments.
On the
other hand, forgiving someone else or yourself – and the flip side, asking for
forgiveness – can:
- Free, heal, nurture and release you.
- Fill you with lightness, compassion and good will.
- Lift your mind, spirit and soul.
- Ennoble, empower and enliven you.
- Lift a tremendous load off your heart and spirit.
- Bring you closer to God or goodness (however you choose to look at it).
- Refresh, reward and renew you like nothing else can.
To really
and truly forgive, one helpful approach is to begin to buy and read books from
such renowned forgiveness experts as Dr. Fred Luskin, Everett
Worthington, Gary
Zukav and Rabbi
Irwin Kula.
But until
your book(s) arrive, you can take a fast track to forgiveness by embarking upon
7 easy steps that I developed, which spell out the word "Forgive."
- F — Face the
facts. Own
up to the reality that you need to forgive another person or yourself. If
you don’t accept the truth that that you’re stuck in a bitter, unforgiving,
intolerant quicksand, you’ll never get out of your rut to live a sweet,
fulfilling, enriching life. - O — Oust the
anger.
No matter if the person’s offenses are imagined or real, you should hurry
to the starting line as if you’re about to embark on a marathon. Even if
you feel that your anger is totally justified and the other person was in
the wrong, you should take the first step to shed your fury, resentment
and bitterness. - R — Remember
the offenses.
Recall exactly what bugged you so much and what you seek to forgive. Mind
you, I’m not suggesting that you wallow or stew in self pity. One of the
best ways to recount harms inflicted on you is to take a piece of paper
(or more, if needed) and write down all of your or another’s
transgressions. For example, you could write: I fully and freely forgive
_____________ (person’s name) for ______________ (spell out what the
person did). Then keep scribbling down all the things for which you
forgive that person. Your list could go on and on—the more items you cite,
the better—but do make sure that even if you rattle off 50 things to
forgive, you always state first “I fully and freely forgive _____________
for…” When you’ve finished your list, read it aloud—over and over, if you
like—and then take a match to it and burn it in the sink to symbolize your
breaking free with forgiveness. (This is very freeing, but please be
careful not to start a fire or hurt yourself!) By the way, if this step
still feels incomplete, you can repeat it again and again. - G — Give the
benefit of the doubt. Realize that in most instances, the
person(s) who harmed you was probably just being either selfish or self-involved
and was not out to hurt you. If, however, she or he had underlying,
callous, unkind thoughts, then try showering that person with pity,
kindness and empathy. Looking at these "sinners"—or even
yourself—with this kind of no-holds-barred compassion and understanding
can help to release you. - I —
Imagine what forgiveness feels like. By this, I mean that you should visualize
yourself breaking free with forgiveness. See how being pardoning helps
you. If you believe in the divine, pray to God for forgiveness, too. Then
create and repeat forgiveness affirmations or mantras (both out loud, when
alone, and internally) so that you can reach that blessed, blissful state.
One such forgiveness affirmation could be: “I fully and freely forgive
______________ (person’s name), and I am now released. Harmony, peace, joy
and good will reign supreme between _________________ (person’s name) and
me.” - V — Value the
experience. Realize
that forgiveness can be powerful and effective. Pardoning
yourself and others is as important as eating nourishing foods, exercising
and believing in yourself. Acknowledge that letting go of your acrimony,
animosity and antagonism can completely alter and improve the course of
your life and ultimately bring you to a state of lightness and joy. - E — Embrace
forgiveness.
At this point, while you’re entering into this joyous, merciful,
compassionate frame of mind, you should ask the other person for
forgiveness, too, if appropriate. Approaching another to apologize can
complete your 7-step forgiveness process. (If the person is no longer on
this earth, you may wish to imagine yourself humbly asking her or him for
forgiveness and the two of you reaching harmony and good will.)
I do hope
that just reading these easy 7 steps to "FORGIVE" will already begin
to ennoble, educate and empower you. Now, I invite you: Begin forgiving those
folks who’ve affronted you. Remember, if you pardon someone, you’ll free up
space in your heart and being for more wonderful things to arrive.
Connie Bennett, M.S.J., C.H.H.C. is author of the acclaimed book SUGAR
SHOCK! (Berkley Books). Connie is a "Sugar Liberator" and liberation
expert, a speaker, frequent TV and radio show guest ("CBS News Sunday
Morning," "Oprah & Friends Radio," etc.), and a certified
holistic health counselor. Back in 1998, Connie quit sugar and refined carbs on
doctor’s orders, and her many baffling ailments completely vanished, including
horrible headaches, crippling fatigue and “brain fog.” Now, Connie mocks her
unsavory sugar past by jokingly dubbing herself an “Ex-Sugar Shrew!” She has
helped thousands of people break free from the depressing, debilitating
aftershocks of overloading on “culprit carbs.” She runs the popular SUGAR
SHOCK! Blog (www.SugarShockBlog.com); hosts
the Stop SUGAR SHOCK! Radio Show (www.BlogTalkRadio.com/stopsugarshock); and
offers a Stop SUGAR SHOCK! Inner Circle Membership Program. Connie also is an
experienced journalist and columnist, who has been widely published (The Los
Angeles Times, TV Guide, eDiets.com, etc.) To learn if you’ve been brainwashed
to become a sugar addict, take the SUGAR SHOCK! Quiz at www.SugarShockBlog.com. ©
Copyright 2007. Connie Bennett, www.SugarShockBlog.com