Now that I’m rejuvenated and excited after a fabulous vacation, I’m currently on a whirlwind media blitz.
As Halloween (which I dub “Sugar Overload Day”) fast approaches, I’m doing a whole bunch of radio and TV interviews, as well as print interviews, etc.
Soon afterwards, I was called for last-minute interview with the Howard Stern Show. Only I didn’t know it was the Howard Stern Show! The interviewer didn’t tell me!
All he mentioned was this it was for “Jack and Rod” on Sirius Radio. So I happily obliged and got ready for another interview with a polite, curious host. Was I in for a surprise!
Perhaps I would have easily put the clues together if I’d had more sleep.
Of course, I well know that Howard Stern had jumped ship to Sirius Satellite Radio in January 2006. In fact, it’s common knowledge that Howard felt commercial radio was no longer a safe haven for shock jocks of his ilk.
Actually, I confess, while living in L.A. six years ago, I used to be a big fan of the show. I would love listening to Howard, Robin Quivers and the rest of the gang while being trapped in my car for long stretches.
But, you see, on Monday, I was operating on a negligible amount of sleep. (I know – I set a bad example!)
(In case you’re wondering — I was functioning on about 2 hours of sleep, because I’d taken the red eye back from San Diego to New York City. Then the 2 nights before that, I’d also burned the midnight oil while hanging out with new friends on this fabulous Bob Proctor cruise to Mexico.)
So all I know is that I’m being interviewed about sugar and its dangers to kids and that I’m supposed to mention Halloween and how all that candy endangers our poor kids.
But almost right away, I sense that something wild and off kilter is happening. First off, Jack and Rod, the two supposed hosts to interview me, disappear, and the interviewer is allegedly an 8-year-old girl, “Kelly,” who is in major sugar shock.
Well, “Kelly” wasn’t a girl. No way! It was quite evident, from the tone of the voice, that “Kelly” was a man pretending to be a girl with serious sugar issues. So “she” was one of the hosts but they didn’t want to talk in their normal voices.
“Kelly” just was not this cool, in-need-of-help, sugar-shocked kid. Instead, “she” was mean, nasty, angry, cranky, belligerent, feisty, rude and obnoxious.
And she had one foul mouth. Did I tell you that “Kelly” had a really, really foul mouth? Put it this way, I would never ever ever use the words that “she” used! Not in conversation. Not in the privacy of my home. Not on the radio!
For several minutes, in my slap-happy, sleep-deprived state, I responded with lots of laughter and giggles, a huge dose of embarrassment and as many quick-witted retorts that I could conjure up on 2 hours of sleep.
When “she” became really vicious and rude, I said, “You know, folks, when your kids eat a lot of sugar, they behave much like Kelly. Kids on sugar turn angry, confused, moody, argumentative and downright nasty,” I explained.
“Children on sweets will even hurl objects across the room.” (Well, I hope I said something like this.)
Whenever I could, I tried to bring the subject back to how sugar really can mess up your poor, unsuspecting soda-swigging, candy-gorging kids.
But frankly, I was quite ruffled and rattled by the turn of events. I struggled mightily to create clever comebacks. But I usually am well rested when quips easily arrive.
Darn, wish I’d had more sleep the night before!
As I struggled to be clever, I fumbled mightily. For instance, I don’t even know if I had the presence of mind to mention my website so people would know how to get help. Heck, I’m not even sure that I remembered to say the title of my book, SUGAR SHOCK!
Meanwhile, as the interview continued, I just listened, aghast, as “Kelly” continued to say the most foul things.
Then “Kelly” turned on me. “She” became really, really raunchy, using words that I wouldn’t dare to use here!!! She called me names. She described things I won’t discuss here.
And she “began” to insult me right and left. So I threatened to hang up. But then I wimped out — “she” somehow convinced me to stay on. (Folks, I wasn’t on sugar, but I wasn’t thinking the most clearly, given my sleep-deprived state.)
Then the insults became really gross and got fouler by the minute, at which point, I acted.
So ultimately, I flat out hung up in the middle of the interview after about 10 to 15 minutes while calmly saying something like, “I didn’t agree to a pornographic interview.”
A few minutes later, the producer calls me back up and ‘fesses up.
He tells me that I’d just been recorded for the Howard Stern Show!!!!
Talk about being taken off guard!
Although I’d originally agreed to have my interview used and to have my comments edited if they didn’t make a fool out of me, I believe that I still had the right to back off and ask for my interview to be yanked. But I thought, “What the heck. Let them use my awkward remarks!”
Don’t they say that some coverage is better than none?
Come to think of it: I should have seen the signs warning me that this was no ordinary radio show. Seriously, what radio personnel ever ask you if it’s OK to use your remarks and to edit them? That should have tipped me off that something off the wall was about to occur.
So, stay tuned. Soon you’ll be able to hear me make a complete fool of myself on the Howard Stern Show!
Now, evidently, before the gag airs, Howard Stern needs to give his go-ahead to use it, but, folks, I made such a complete fool of myself that I just can’t imagine why they would kill it.
As I well remember from regularly listening to the show during my L.A. days, Howard and Robin and the rest of the gang absolutely love to poke fun of people who do really stupid things. That’s yours truly!
I sure wish I’d had Sirius so I’d have been more prepared for this wild situation!
On the other hand, my complete ignorance may make the show even funnier.
Anyhow, I’m still cracking up over the fact that I hung up on a show that has only 7 ½ million listeners!!!!
That’s right — more than 7 million listeners.
Stay tuned here for when you can hear me make a fool of myself on the Howard Stern Show!
Seriously, I’ll be inviting you to laugh at me! Laugh with me! My fumbles are all for your enjoyment! (‘Course, I admit, that I do hope part of my message will be heard.)
All said and done, I really do feel quite silly, but, hey, laughter at one’s foibles and faux pas makes life quite gleeful and wonderful.